Legacy

Tiffany O'Neil, a Southern University undergrad student with fiancé, Nathan Prince, and dog, Mickey in their home. Photograph by Tabitha Austin

What’s in a marriage?

Sociologist Andrew Cherlin calls it “the capstone experience” of one’s life. LSU graduate instructor Jensen Jeung argues that “much of how we conceptualize marriage and families are social constructions … we create the meanings.”

We have created many meanings. Within marriage we find pageantry, genealogical associations and the like. But if we take a holistic approach, we find something more.

Life is change in motion. Time would stop without change. People change, as do the bonds between them. The institution of marriage is the interaction of these adaptations. Its meaning is a moving target, complex and variable, much like those who find themselves in its throes.

Looking Back

To unwrap the meaning of marriage, it’s important to know where it came from. History tells us the earliest humans married out of necessity, often banding together with other tribes and even intermarrying to strengthen their chance of survival. We still have the same basic needs, but surviving today has become a more complicated affair.

Jeung often teaches from Cherlin’s book, “Public and Private Families,” which depicts the 20th century as a major turning point for the institution of marriage.

As technology improved through the early 1900s, so did our need to flock to it. We saw a cultural shift from rural to urban areas. Industrial capitalism promised a more automated lifestyle. The ensuing improvements to an electronic society made life more convenient, and we began considering marriage differently, down to its fundamentals.

Jeung says the emphasis used to be placed on male authority, with strict conformity to social norms. Romantic love was not as important, and one certainly saved sex for marriage, as it was seen only as a means of producing children. Males were the heads of the households, and women were submissive. If one was unmarried, he or she may have been viewed as “defective” or living an incomplete life.

The 1950s ushered the baby boomer generation to the peak of the self-explanatory “breadwinner-homemaker” model. The ones you see from “The Golden Age of Television.” Automobiles were mass-produced, people started moving around and the courtship process expanded to include dating. Teenagers became more susceptible to premarital sex as they found more freedom from their parents, Jeung says.

Harsh Dissanayake, chemical engineering undergrad, uses Skype to stay in touch with his fiancée. Photograph by Tabitha Austin

Modern Marriage

“Public and Private Families” tells us when these teens grew up, so did the concept of marriage. The new “companionate marriages” placed greater “emphasis on affection, friendship and sexual gratification. Every parent thereafter was raised in the dating system, which became less connected to marriage through the 70s.”

Women more frequently pursued their educations, tilting the balance of gender power in their favor. An increase in pre-marital cohabitation, in tandem with women entering the workforce by the droves, caused both marriage and divorce rates to rise. It also served as catalyst for the upheaval of the traditional marriage construct, Jeung says.

Today’s “individualized marriage” focuses on self-development, flexible roles and open communication. This can reveal life paths previously impossible when considering the potential of the Internet’s intricately-woven human network. Partners may even skip the marriage process entirely, opting for a “union” or simply cohabitating. Why do people still marry at all?

The Free & The Brave

There must be some reason. According to Cherlin, 90 percent of Americans still tie the knot. Formalizing the link with a ring, he notes, lessens the fear of abandonment and permits enforceable trust.

Today, it’s become common for both spouses to have jobs. This “dual-income earning” model allows couples to pool their resources, an option that requires boundless faith and trust, but one Jeung says is all but necessary to sustain a family at the high cost of living comfortably.

Bethany Berry acknowledges this within the context of her arranged marriage, but doesn’t find it the only route to a healthy, successful relationship. Berry is a 30-year-old University of Houston graduate of Nigerian descent with a degree in special needs/deaf education. She’s planning for graduate school at LSU to concentrate on religious studies. She’s 21 years younger than her Caucasian husband, whom she didn’t meet until their marriage.

Berry was Muslim at the time they were married. Her husband was Christian. She felt an arranged marriage “was the only way to go,” as do many women within Islam. Berry converted to Hinduism afterward. She says the change caused some grief around the holidays, but likens the change to a face-lift, where the spouse may “get used to the new person you’ve become. It allows you to explore new dimensions of each other’s self.”

Berry is a staunch supporter of the breadwinner-homemaker model. She works at Jimmy John’s, a sandwich chain on Perkins Road.

“In my marriage, I’m the only one working and my husband stays at home. I would prefer it to be me staying at home, but right now the economy favors women working more so than men.” Berry’s husband, Matt, was laid off three days after Christmas, “so we just decided to change roles,” she says.

Alex Romero, fashion merchandising junior, expresses that marriage has become a grey area in society. Photograph by Tabitha Austin

Alex Romero is a fashion merchandising junior at LSU with another flexible perspective. “I think even traditional marriage has lost its way,” Romero says. He finds TV shows are good signifier of modern culture and sees some disquieting trends among them.

“It should be a covenant between a man and his wife, but now you have marriage shows where they compete to throw the most lavish wedding,” he says with concern. “Where are the values in that?”

Romero spoke further on parental roles within modern gay marriages, saying, “I know there is a lack of a mother/father figure in a gay couple household, but that isn’t to say that a gay couple cannot raise beautiful children who will make a difference in this world.” Romero said. “It’s all about the values one has to pass on to their children that makes the difference and what they teach their kids.”

Berry and Romero aren’t the only ones with unique takes.

Tiffany O’Neill knows what it’s like to be different. The 19-year-old Southern University student is daughter to a black mother and white father. She is currently engaged to Nathan Prince, a Caucasian graduate student at LSU. Her parents’ mixed marriage continues to help lay the foundation for her own, and their warmth cannot be overstated for a couple who anticipates a frigid reception from others.

“It was a fight for them to even get married,” O’Neill said of her mom and dad. “No one told them what it was going to be like. It was special for us to know we could call someone who went through a similar experience. Love is supposed to be so simple – the purest and simplest thing we have – and it’s a shame when people have to fight about wanting to love each other,” O’Neill said.

Cherlin discusses cohabitation before marriage in his book, a decision it says can raise the chances of a pre-marital break-up. O’Neill understands the risk involved and remains assertive in her commitment to what marriage represents.

“No matter the good or bad times, rich or poor, if you’re going to marry someone, that person becomes your number one,” O’Neill said.

For others, marriage is a spiritual rite, bearing the fruit of a meticulous group effort. Harsha Dissanayake, a 22 year-old from Sri Lanka is studying chemical engineering at LSU while his fiancée Dhanushya Amaratunga remains at medical school in Sri Lanka, a predominantly Buddhist society. The two hope to marry and cohabitate after graduating.

“Back in the day,” Harsha recalls, “the parents pretty much decided everything. They’d talk with the girl’s parents and look at the astrological side of the relationship. How can they relate here, you know? How do they match up?”

While the groom-to-be says couples today enjoy greater autonomy in the decision making process, he faithfully seeks his parents’ counsel because “they’ve gone through it all, and they know what it takes to work long-term.”

Getting hitched may have health benefits, too. As reported in recent literature, Jeung tells us, being married causes people to feel better and live longer.

“Sure, at first it may be based on physical attraction, but after several decades, you’re left with what’s inside. What do you see?” Harsha rhetorically asks. “People need to get their reasons right.”

We may all be in different situations, but our ideas may overlap. If O’Neill really is right, and love really is supposed to be simple, Berry may have found it in abundance.

“At the end of the day, I can come home and I have a nice face that is happy to see me and is interested in knowing what I did during the day. It’s nice to know that someone cares what goes on in my life and what happens. And living with them is a plus,” Berry says.

I Now Pronounce You…

At times we forget marriage wasn’t always like it is today. There are also no guarantees it will stay like this forever. We must not view this evolution of marriage as a digression. It’s just a change, a reflection of our mercurial culture. Sometimes we don’t recognize the changes right away. The point is to not pigeonhole ourselves into a certain rationale toward marriage, as history shows us its fluid nature.

As life paths open for us, we’re encouraged to become our own people. Time only moves forward and gracefully carries those most adaptive to its subtle contours. If we can do that, and be honest with who we are, Jeung concludes, we may find today’s individualized marriage creates the possibility of a fuller life and a more equal partnership for both spouses.