Legacy

Dear Barack Obama,

Sometimes, I have this dream where you and I have our own reality show called “Barack & Me.” After your busy day of passing legislation and smoking Marlboro Reds, you and I sit down for a nice dinner of waffles. During dinner you say things like “Who the hell are you?” “Pass the salt,” or —my personal favorite — “I don’t know you, but wearing my boxers is not cool.”

Then I wake up in a drool pool at 5:30 a.m. on another Monday morning. It’s 2009 and we have a new president. And even though Bruce Springsteen might be happy about it, last time I checked the Dow Jones, the numbers were still below 9,000. Uh-oh.

Barack, you’ve just been elected President. Now what are you going to do? No, not build a ranch in Chicago. You’ve got to get the soldiers out, get us free healthcare — and oh, while you’re at it — fix the economy. It’s a delicate time trying to figure out where or when, if ever, we can increase spending. I’ll advise you on exactly where you can give more money to help LSU out in this time of financial hardship. Not only will the economy be better, but you’ll have 30,000 more voters when 2012 rolls around.

Establish a Steroid Fund for Athletes

Nowadays, we might as well replace the phrase “blah, blah, blah” with “steroids, steroids, steroids.” Every morning I wake up to numerous reports of how Biceps Armstrong injected steroids during his magical season with the Michigan Moccasins. (Was it not obvious?)

There are two routes in sports. Route 1: Play honestly with the support of God. Or Route 2: Take pills that will make you feel like Rocky and the Terminator combined, as well as cannon-sized arms perfect for knocking a few out of the park. In other words, pray or pay $15 a month for an $85 million career.

Then, there are the kids who hang those sports stars’ posters on their bedroom walls. If I had a kid coming up to me after a game all depressed because I didn’t hit a homer, I might take X-Treme Body Mass Horse Pills too.

It’s called pressure. Some succumb, some suck. Either way, don’t give in to all this government intervention, Barack. Instead, let college powerhouses like the LSU Tigers use these medicinal cure-alls to their advantage.

No more fourth-quarter ballyhoo! We’ll have Hail Mary passes in the first 15 seconds. Can you imagine the highlight reels? Jarrett Lee might actually complete a pass! We might garner a National Championship in racquetball! The possibilities are endless if we just subsidize steroids for our college athletes.

Your constituents will tell you that “cheating is un-American.” But you can retort coolly: “You think the heroes of America’s pastime didn’t have steroids? You’re right. They had whiskey and cocaine.”

So leave Biceps Armstrong alone, Barack, and let us have him.

Give us an Adderall Grant

Instead of making students resort to scavenging in alleys for a couple milligrams, give LSU $10 million for some of that premium study-drug-goodness. The money will be used to snag some old vending machines and build an Adderall-manufacturing garage, providing students with their speed needs whenever, wherever. No more paying a visit to Dr. Dad at the Health Center; just break out a Benjamin and pick up your own bottle from Coates Hall.

Some of the money will also go towards spiking sugar packets at all the campus coffeehouses with more of ADD’s best remedy. Students will come to class with flattened cheek bones, chattering teeth and 64-ounce water bottles excitedly discussing the impending exam and the length of God’s beard.

Future classes will be full of conversation. English professors won’t have to momentarily gaze around the classroom for a response, because there’s Adderall Andy all pepped up and ready to burst. Sociology professors won’t have to write notes on a transparency because students can now type 150 words per minute. History professors … well, history will still be boring.

Regulate Free Speech Alley

Barack, having just read your environmental plan online, I’m worried about the fact that there’s no change in plans for the hawks in Free Speech Alley and what they’re doing to Mother Earth.

One Monday morning as I walked to the Union after class, I entered LSU’s shrine to the First Amendment, otherwise known as Free Speech Alley. As I walked down the lane, I was bombarded by various student organizations; it was a tug-of-war for my values. The Baptist kids wanted me to eat pizza and watch a Joel Osteen sermon.

They gave me a blue flyer. The dancing fraternity wanted me do my best “stanky leg” for a house party later that night. They gave me a purple flyer. The computer fraternity wanted me to come discuss the addition of a new microprocessor in the west wing of Frey Hall. They gave me a silver flyer and a No. 2 pencil. All this was just after walking three steps.

After the long trek, I was left in front of The Union with roughly 50 flyers, but all I could think about were the dying trees. Barack, without the strictest of sanctions placed on these paper rapers, we won’t ever live in a truly clean society. You must tell them to stop this nonsense; it will save us billions of trees and dollars. And I will never be asked to do the “stanky leg” again.

Elect a Celebrity Chancellor

LSU is a land ravaged by economic and environmental problems that no one except for you, Barack, can handle. But our campus could be a utopia filled with gold and honey with this final step.

Chancellor Mike Martin isn’t doing a bad job at all. In fact, he’s quite handsome and has grown a mustache matching the bravado of Sean O’Keefe’s. But with great power comes great authority and endless media coverage. We should have an imposing man at the head of the University, someone at least seven feet tall — Shaquille O’Neal, for example.

A native of LSU and basketball legend, he could come back home and start new leisure classes like “Shaq Fu” or Rapping 2001. And that’s only the beginning. We wouldn’t have any monetary problems ever again! O’Neal’s made at least three trillion dollars in his career playing basketball for the likes of the Miami Heat and releasing five albums, including 1993’s masterpiece “Shaq Diesel.” So instead of making students pay fees, everything would be free. If in need, students could roll up to Shaq’s domain and ask to use his bank account for extra cash. We’d be good for at least 10 years.

You can always count on Shaq. Do you realize how much more legitimate he would make everything on campus? Nobody would ask any questions about administration because the answer would be, “What Shaq wants, Shaq gets.” We could establish a basketball dream team once again. And every Friday, all the students could meet him at the Parade Grounds for pictures and popsicles! It could be the best chancellorship in LSU history. That’s change we can believe in, Barack.

Sincerely,

Matthew Sigur

Adviser to the President on LSU Bathrooms, Athletics, Drugs, Religion, Chancellor and Education